When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
