oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
