I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
