Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
