Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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