I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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