i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
