If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
