If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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