I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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