you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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