she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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