Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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