and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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