Having a random hookup so left but love u
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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