dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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