I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize