weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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