apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
