if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
