Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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