If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
