Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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