the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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