I am puke
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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