He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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