i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
