My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
