So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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