I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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