I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
