I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
