So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
