her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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