Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
