I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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