i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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