we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What happened to fro yo and sex?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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