margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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