Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
