I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
