Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
