I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize