This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
