you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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