first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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