Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
two words: eviction party
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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