I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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