Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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