how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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