Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
