mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
