Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
