Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
