Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
