they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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