My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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