i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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