Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
