Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
