I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
