Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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