Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize